I watched every single Halloween film so you don’t have to.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The leaves are changing colour, the trees are lined with speckles of orange, red and yellow, children are carving pumpkins and the neighbourhood kids are going door to door shouting that sacred mantra ‘trick or treat’.

Except they’re not – because it’s 2020, we live inside the matrix and everything fucking sucks.

So what now? What if this year instead of Trick Or treat we’re all shouting ‘track and trace’ instead? So what if this waking nightmare we call life is far scarier than The Haunting of Bly Manor will ever be? So what if the monsters, goblins, vampires and the demons – all work at the House of Commons. Does that really mean we have to cancel Halloween?

Hell no!

If you’re looking for a good fright this Halloween – there are still a few places you can turn to. Why not do what I did and marathon all 11 Halloween films in some veiled attempt to prove my horror street creds to all the new blood still struggling to make it all the way through Annabelle 5! Or maybe I’m just a fucking idiot!

Either way – this is every single Halloween film ranked so you know which ones to binge and which ones to skip this Halloween. Lets return to the night he came home…

* WARNING SPOILER ALERT FOR THE WHOLE HALLOWEEN SERIES *

11: Halloween: Resurrection

Or the one where Michael Myers goes toe to toe with Rap ‘superstar’ Busta Rhymes…

This film gets a point for having the balls to kill of Laurie Strode in the first ten minutes – which was a win win for poor Jamie Lee Curtis who was as done with this aging franchise as we were at this point.

The rest of this snooze fest ranks as not only the undisputed low point in the franchise – but one of the most hated and reviled horror films of all time. I hate this movie, its a really easy movie to hate.

Paper thin characters, cheap scares and a total lack of tension. Even Michael himself feels neutered – criminally underutilised in his own franchise. Are there any redeeming qualities to speak of? It’s short – I guess? The only thing truly scary about this one is the prospect of ever having to see it again.

1/10

10: Halloween (2007)

Or the one where Michael Myers gets a tragic backstory…

Let’s get this out of the way with first. I love Rob Zombie. His brand of crude, cruel, cookie cinema makes me giddy. House of 1000 Corpses and The Devils Rejects are two of my favourite horror films of all time. His style is hyper kinetic, often off-putting and oh so disturbing – even to veterans of the genre.

That being said – Halloween (2007) is the least Rob Zombie – Rob Zombie movie I’ve ever had the misfortune of sitting through. Gone is the hyper-stylized editing, gone is the much of his witty dialogue and gone is Zombies penchant for originality and flair. This is a studio mandate film at its core. Made to meet a quota or hold onto the rights of the franchise. Its tired, unoriginal and what new elements it does add are all grossly unwelcome.

2/10

9: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

Or the one that has Paul Rudd in it…

Paul Rudd is great in everything he’s in. He filmed Halloween 6 the same year the iconic teen satire ‘Clueless’ came out. The latter being his film debut – and god damn if he isn’t the only good thing about it.

Marred by a plague of production issues, the script having to be re-written nearly a dozen times. It’s not hard to see why Curse often comes so low most peoples rankings. Its disjointed to the point of being downright incomprehensible, it follows up the ridiculous Cult of Thorn plotline introduced in 5 and most egregiously it commits the ultimate sin of just being downright dull.

Its not hard to see why this was the proverbial final nail in the coffin of the original series. Not even Donald Pleasance playing the ever enigmatic Dr Loomis for the very last time could save this film from being an incomprehensible, boring dud.

Apparently there’s a producers cut that fixes a lot of the issues but in the spirit of fairness (and for my sanity) I refrained from watching both cuts.

2/10

8: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Or the one with all the cult stuff…

I originally had Halloween 5 lower on this list. Prior to re-watching them, this is the film I had the fewest memories of. At least very least the last three films on the list resonated with me (albeit in a pretty negative way) – this one, is just kinda there.

On a re-watch – this movie still sucks. If we’re handing out awards to movies that somehow manage to be both bat shit insane and criminally boring – this would win the gold.

It’s criminally derivative of everything that came before it and while you think it would be able to fit into some type of formula and mimic at least some of the success of the films that came before it, you’d be hugely mistaken.

This is formulaic to a fault. The cult stuff is there – but it fails to add any new spices to an otherwise tasteless entry.

3/10

7: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Or the one with the worst mask of the series…

I don’t hate Halloween 4.

I hate Michael’s mask in Halloween 4 – but I don’t hate Halloween 4.

It’s a mediocre slasher flick with mediocre kills. As is the case with ‘Revenge’ this just doesn’t hold up to any real scrutiny and is only really worth your time if you’re an avid horror completionist like myself.

It has a minimum effort plot, some average to good kills, solid tension and in it’s most successful turn introduces scream queen alumnae Danielle Harris to the franchise. Shout-out to Danielle Harris – these films do not deserve you!

It’s main shortcomings surface once you realise just how unspectacular this entry truly is. Not bad – not very good either. It’s very much just…there.

4/10

6: Halloween II (2010)

Or the one where they let Rob Zombie go nuts…

Ok so bear with me on this but I actually kind of like this one.

OK, let me rephrase that. This film is a fever dream. It’s a nightmare fuelled house of horrors that is at times more confusing than it is truly scary. Its nasty, gratuitous, exceedingly gory and mean spirited – but its oh so very Rob Zombie.

This was the film they let Zombie make after the first film did gangbusters at the box office. After a pretty misleading opening sequence of Laurie at Haddonfield Hospital one might be tricked into believing that this was going to be a carbon copy of the ’82 Halloween II – the same way his 2007 Halloween was a carbon copy of Carpenters original. Oh boy would you be wrong…

This is a guttural, violent, ugly film. With Myers more frightening than he’s ever been before. On the down side, it’s a Rob Zombie film but on the plus side it’s a Rob Zombie film. Do with that what you will.

As a Zombie fan – I’m happy that he left this series after this entry.

5/10

5: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

Or the first time they tried to reboot the series…

Ok, so now we’re getting to the good stuff. 20 Years Later marked the first attempt at a fully reboot for this series. Ignoring the continuing of every films after Halloween II and picking up with Laurie Strode 20 years after her experiences at Haddonfield Memorial Hospital.

Bringing back everybody’s favourite final girl was an inspired idea, bringing her back as a mother, as somebody, now, with so much more to lose makes this film a joy to watch every time. This is the first film in the Myers franchise not to feature Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis after his passing in 1995. It does demonstrate true, loving affirmation for the franchise and the genre as a whole – and for this – stands out in the series as one of the most entertaining outings. 

 This films crowning achievement however is the screenplay – penned by horror alumni Kevin Williamson of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer fame. Williamson injects a much needed dose of life into the franchise – lavishing it with meta commentary, exquisite dialogue and some of the best Laurie vs Myres moments in the franchise. Its far from perfect, a lot of the jokes fall flat and Williamson can occasionally go too far with the meta humour – but overall H20 was a much needed adrenaline shot for a wilting franchise.

6/10

4: Halloween (2018)

Or the second time they tried to reboot the franchise…

Anybody who listened to the podcast will know that I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with David Gordon Greens fresh reboot of the series.

Taking a note from Carpenter himself, Green ignores the current continuity of all but the first film in the series – Green gives us a brand new Laurie vs Michael dynamic – now 40 years after the night he came home.

The problem is the film wants to have its cake and eat it. In a universe where Michael has one spree killing of about five victims under his belt, the film treats him the way you might if the continuity still existed, Laurie’s actions seem downright unreasonable, the legacy that is Michael Myers is – muddied, by trying to unmuddied the waters.

That’s not to say there aren’t some incredible moments in this film. With gorgeous tracking shots, sublime lighting, an impeccable pace and some delicious kills – more so than any other sequel this one captures the essence of Carpenters original unlike any other. It’s just a shame they couldn’t land the narrative as successfully as they might have hoped.

7/10

3. Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Or the one that’s not about Michael at all…

The proverbial black sheep of the franchise. To call Season of the Witch divisive would a massive understatement.

Capitalizing on Carpenter and Hill’s original idea for the franchise by producing a series of stand-alone stories every year under the Halloween banner. What came from it was a highly effective, incredibly memorable b-movie thrill ride that never takes itself too seriously, delivers some grade A scares and may have the most infectious theme song since … well… Halloween. Honestly, if the Silver Shamrock theme isn’t stuck in your head weeks after you’ve seen this film are you sure you actually really saw it?

It’s far from perfect, its campy to a fault, there are far too many subplots and there are some serious moments of tonal dissonance. But all is forgiven once we enter Test Room A – where were subjected to one of the most nerve shredding scenes in any horror movie ever.

Just don’t forget to wear your mask.

7/10

2. Halloween II (1981)

Or the one with all the gore…

Coming off the coat tales of one of the – if not the – greatest horror movie of all time was never going to be easy. Carpenter famously once told Cinema Showcase that he ‘thinks Halloween II is an abomination and a horrible movie.’ This movie clearly played heavy on Carpenters mind – leading the poor guy to drinking in excess in order to find the creative juices necessary to help write his follow up. Eventually handing the directorial reigns over to then newbie Rick Rosenthal (who would go on to director our number 10 movie in this list Resurrection) It was never a secret that this film was severely maligned by Carpenter and Co – but is it deserved?

It’s far from a perfect film, its far from a perfect sequel. The narrative elements are immeasurably convoluted, the plot – now three years after the original – feel dated and overused and the introduction of the ‘Laurie is Michael’s sister’ subplot is so unnecessary, so muddied and would go on to spawned the basis for the next ten years of the franchise.

With all that said – this film is an absolute rollercoaster. It’s brutal, visceral, the body count is almost double that in the original, the kills are memorable and all the elements that made the first one such a classic are here and present. Carpenter may loathe this film – but the fans have found that there really is a lot to love in this underrated sequel.

7/10.

1. Halloween (1978)

Or the greatest slasher film of all time…

The night he came home. The quintessential slasher film. Michael Myers first outing is still to this day unchallenged in the genre it helped define. Carpenter’s original is brutal, sadistic – and yet also lavish and lovingly executed. It’s intricacies come from its simplicity. The age old tale of the teenage baby sitter, the kids she’s sworn to protect and the knife wielding maniac hell bent on ruining her night. The premise, while basic – is pure, unbridled exploitation. A exploration of sheer nastiness. It’s still, 40 years later, one of the most unsettling movies ever put to celluloid. It’s a masterclass in tension – deriving its suspense from its masterful cinematography, pitch perfect sound editing, Carpenters haunting score and, in a career defining role, the wonderful screen presence of everybody’s favourite final girl Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode.

I feel like I’m forgetting something though…

Of course, how come I come this far without talking about the big guy himself. Myers is a natural disaster, a brutish, omnipresent force of nature. Immovable, unstoppable and intent on ruining your day. His presence alone is enough to elevate my heart rate  Every scene drips with tension, every frame oozes with panic. This is the only movie that’s ever kept me looking over my shoulder for hours after the credits roll. And if that’s not a perfect horror movie I don’t know what is.

10/10

-Liam